Two Rights Make Two Wrongs

In my experience, what people want is acceptance. That is, to be accepted and loved exactly the way they are and exactly the way they are not. Pretences, walls and strong suits (personality assets) are ways we have learned to masquerade who we 'really' are, in case we are rejected.

The world seems to contain too many walls, misunderstandings, rights and wrongs, all judgements. What if there was no 'one' right more than another, just different views? Person A standing in a box, facing the pink wall claims to person B that the wall is indeed pink. Person B faces the blue wall behind person A and swears by the shirt on his back that the wall is definitely blue, not pink. Who is right? They are equally correct. Both are in the same box, only facing opposite walls. Now imagine they begin to argue about the color, even call each other names and end up hating one another, all because they fail to turn around and see the box from the other party's point of view. Pretty riduclous, wouldn't you say? To the outside observer, this appears insane. Person A and B are in a deadlock, unable to zoom out and see the bigger picture. They are trapped in the disdain and disgust of their own myopic perspectives.

In my previous blog entry (1 October 2007) I spoke about anger, and how the anger was already inside of us and when triggered, there is a subtle moment, a gap in which we can choose whether to lash out at others or to let it go. I experienced this first hand this week. Last Saturday our house was in disarray. After an entire day of cleaning, I got fed up.
"Your shoes are all over the place! Why can't you help me clean up for once!" I barked at my husband. After 45 minutes of rampage and unleashing verbal abuse at him, he said,
"You are acting like a crazy woman! Where is all this anger coming from? You should read your own blog about anger."
Bam! It hit me right in the gut. I wasn't practicing what I preached. I had been staring at the 'pink' wall, blind-sighted by my own views, making him wrong for seeing a different colored wall, unable to surmise the scope of the box. I was immediately humbled by this apt reminder and retreated to the corner to lick my self-inflicted wounds of hypocracy.

Juilia Cameron (author of "The Artist's Way") says, we tend to practice what we teach. When my husband pointed out to me how incongruent my behavior had been to my writings, I was jolted back to conscious choice, stepped back and saw the 'box'. I continue to slip back now and again, more often than I care to admit. My objective is to catch myself more and more quickly each time.

Who You Really Are Is Like An Onion

If Life is like a box of chocolates, then who you really are is like an Onion. Have you ever contemplated the question who am I? Becoming aware of who you are is a process. You peel back a layer that you think is you, but turns out to be a piece of programming from the past. You then peel back another layer, and another and another, until you get to the center, your true self.

In Spiritualism, there is a process referred to as unfoldment. It's a process whereby you work on yourself to heal the aspects that are not yet healed. Once it is healed, you work on another aspect. This makes a lot of sense to me, except I don't think heal is the most accurate term. To heal implies that something is injured, which I don't believe to be the case. I would prefer to use the term awareness.

Are you consciously peeling back your layers? Or do you still believe you are the onion? I've been pondering this for a while. We are born with no previous conditioning, and so life is a playground. There are no concepts of shoulds or shouldn'ts. We climb on chairs, we scream when we feel like it, we cry and then we laugh the very next minute. There are no rules. There is no right and there is no wrong.

As we become older, we take on the programming of our parents, our peers, and write our own story of how we are supposed to be, the best way for us to behave. Most of the time. this occurs unconsciously. The programming is executing while we are in a walking slumber. Perhaps, just perhaps, it is time to awaken from the sleep and re-claim the driver's seat.

I see us (human beings) as a combination of machinery (the human physical components), combined with software (the thoughts that run the machinery) and the programmer (our conscious selves). If we are not aware of our own programmer, then the machine happily obeys the instructions of the software that is already running. It can sit there for it's entire physical existence running and re-running the software that is already running. The conditions that our parents installed, our peers installed, our school teachers installed, the guy at the deli, the neighbor, basically anybody who we've ever "bought" a concept from that has added to our suite of programs.

Once you are aware that you have access to the programmer-self, you can choose to delete certain programs that no longer serve who you are. You can even write new programs that serve who you are today, and who you want to be tomorrow.

How does this translate into practice? Once you are aware of these dimensions of yourself (machinery/software/programmer), you can begin to question, at any point in time, who is running your show? Is it the existing programming (your conditions of the past) or is it you, the programmer?

For example, you bought your wife some jewelry and she thanks you but didn't gush over it. You are frustrated because you feel that she didn't really appreciate it, all of the effort that you went through to select it. You resent her a little and even feel slightly under-appreciated. Was it really your wife that caused you to feel resentful? She is an external component, a peripheral device if you will, another person. What is the programming that you are running that tells you you are under appreciated? Perhaps your parents ooh'd and ugh'd over your achievements as a child, and therefore you only feel appreciated if people verbalize extensively their appreciation of your actions. Or perhaps it was the opposite, your parents never acknowledged you as a child for any accomplishment or thoughtful deed, and you still look for that in your adult life. What is the program that is churning? and does it still serve you? Can you delete that program because it makes you feel lousy every time? Can you re-write it so you don't require an external person (your wife, your co-workers, whoever) to validate you? Install a new program that tells you to feel happy because you did something nice for someone else".

Another example is

Somebody cut you off in traffic and your anger is triggered. It is not actually the driver of the other car that caused your anger. The anger was already inside you, and the person or circumstance simply activated it. Thus, you have to ask ourselves the question, what in my past caused my anger to flare when people behaved obnoxiously? You may see that back in school, some kid cut you off in the cafeteria line, or bullied you and you began to associate such circumstances with an angry response. Perhaps your memory does not allow you to remember anything that specific at all. The main point is that you are looking. The idea is not to find incidences from the past, although that helps tremendously. Rather, it is about shifting the focus of responsibility from being 'out there' to being 'in here' within yourself.

There could be a million reasons why the person cut you off in traffic, perhaps he was just obnoxious, perhaps he was oblivious, perhaps he was rushing to take his child to the emergency room. Know the why isn't as important as being aware of the trigger within you, and letting it go. Letting it go requires altering your state of being in the present moment. For me, I take a deep breath in through my nose, holding it for a few seconds and then exhaling through my mouth. I repeat this a few times. It also helps me by focusing in that moment on what I am grateful for, related to that particular circumstance. For example I'm glad I got out of this one accident free.

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I believe that the truth is in the eye of the beholder. It's all about perspectives and thinking outside the box. This is something I challenge myself to do. For me, it's a part of the entertainment of being a member of the human race.

The next time you look in the mirror, look at your reflection a little longer than you normally would and ask yourself, "Who am I"? I challenge you to challenge yourself to distinguish who runs your show. Is it the existing programs from the past? Or do you write your own programs?

Resistance is Futile

In practicing conscious awareness, I have been observing my own resistance. I'm discovering that when you dread, avoid or procrastinate doing something, it's usually because there are 2 opposing forces battling it out inside you. It's very subtle though, so you have to pay attention (hence the term conscious awareness), otherwise patterns of the past, unconscious behaviors run the show. The affirmative internal self knows that the action must be taken, should be taken, ought to be taken. But the negative side says 'no, no, leave me alone, I just want to play, I don't want responsibility'. These 2 goals are incongruent and therefore, the struggle.

The secret is to practice noticing the mini civil war within. For me, I use a narrator of my observer self.

'OK, it's time to go grocery shopping again. I am aware that I am rolling my eyes, I am
aware of the tightness in my chest, the shortness of breath, the drooping of my
shoulders, the tightness in my stomach. I am aware that I don't want to go.'

Through this running commentary in my head, I am able to distinguish that putting up an internal fight is completely driven by patterns of the past. For example, I've always disliked going food shopping, so when I need to go, I experience great resistance. A gem that I've discovered is that you can actually let go of the resistance. Again, it's very subtle. You have to consciously cause it. You cause it by first taking a deep breath through your nose and pull your shoulders back. It also helps to smile. Basically, you are consciously initiating a different state of being. I am reminded of an Anthony Robbin's teaching, a change in physiology alters your state.

In acting class, there is a warm-up exercise where you take a deep breath in through your nose, hold your breath and as you exhale, you say out loud "Let go". That is exactly what you do when you give up resisting taking some form of action.

T Harv Ecker mentioned in a seminar "it's amazing that you can resist and resist and resist, and your legs can still move over to where you need to take action".

My Leadership course instructor used to say "You can access heaven by going with the flow, or you can get there kicking and screaming. It's up to you".

Listening from Learning

When I took a 6-month Leadership training program in 2006, I was taught to "listen". I discovered that there are many ways that one can actively listen. When you cause yourself to be conscious of listening in a certain context, you hear things that you may not otherwise hear. For example, listening for the Gold, listening from compassion, listening from understanding, and my personal favorite, Listening from Learning. I like this one the most because I do it as a default, it comes naturally to me.

I believe that everyone we talk to is a potential teacher and so I enjoy listening for the wisdom in each person I communicate with. For example, I recently started taking an acting class. My acting teacher, Stan, is a very wise man. In the very first class, he taught us different exercises both vocal and physical. He imparts that there are 4 basic emotions, anger, sadness, happiness and fear. However, the one thing I found most valuable was learning about reacting. If you are rehearsing lines with somebody, you are reacting to your partner. Our homework, was to observe our reactions in interactions with people in our lives. More specifically, we are to wait a small period longer than we normally would before speaking. The general principle is to have us be in touch with our initial emotion and then deciding how to respond. What I love about this method of self-observation, is that it builds self-awareness. Rather than operating in the thick of our raw emotional reactions, we can actually distinguish the feeling that comes up and then allowing the authentic self to choose the response. Wouldn't it be great if we do this consistently in our day-to-day lives, to pause before reacting. The world could do with a lot more of this type of self-awareness.

Losing to Win

Have you ever tried something and "failed"? Have you ever competed in an event, and "lost"? If the answer is yes, I submit to you a consideration to ponder. Can you really fail at anything? When you lose in a competition, do you really lose? I used to think so.

One of my passions is public speaking. I love it because it's a good medium to spread a message. It's a one-to-many communication, that when delivered effectively can add value to the lives of dozens and potentially hundreds, thousands and millions of people.

Public speaking is an acquired skill. No matter what level you are currently at, there is always room for improvement. As with anything I take an active interest in, I seek out books, seminars, and work shops to learn from. In 2005 I began attending Toastmasters as a regular member. Toastmasters is a non-profit organization where you get to practice public speaking. Initially, I joined to overcome my fear of talking in front of other people. Back in High School, this was never a problem. But somewhere between university and working with computers, my public speaking confidence regressed significantly. I remember one time, in a work meeting, I had a great idea, but kept it to myself solely because I couldn't bear the thought of all of the eyes in the room looking at me. I went home that day feeling very disappointed and frustrated in myself.

Since then I have re-gained confidence in conveying my thoughts in a coherent manner before multiple sets of beady eyes. I realized that public speaking is a muscle. If you train frequently, it becomes strong. If you let it lay dormant, it atrophies. And just like working out, you can learn to enjoy it. It's hard to believe, but just as exercising encourages the production of endorphins and other feel-good chemicals, public speaking creates a rush of fulfillment when you connect with the crowd. I'm not referring to an ego boost, but rather, an unspoken inner understanding that the words you contributed penetrated a part of the audience's consciousness that had fallen inert.

Twice a year, Toastmaster's International hosts a public speaking competition. Winners advance to the next round and compete with other winners. There are 6 rounds to win the ultimate title on an International level.

So far I have competed about 4 times. Last year during the 3rd round of competition, I lost. Earlier this year, I lost in the first round. I was bruised. Don't get me wrong, the guy that won deserved to win, but what my intellect accepted, my ego rejected. That night, I was vacuumed into a vortex of negativity. Instead of contemplating on how I could improve, I mentally punished myself for all the things I must have done wrong. Have you ever been in that space? Trapped in your own abyss of darkness?

Having witnessed enough of my masochistic behaviors, my wise husband Rob said to me, "If you won, what would you have learned? People that are successful learn the most through their failures". That comment struck me like a bolt of lightening. It was what I needed to hear for inspiration. Finally, and not a moment too soon, I peeled myself off the ground and began re-merging with what I loved about public speaking, connecting with the audience.

I learned that losing wasn't losing at all, but simply a form of feedback on how effective you are right now. If you use it to figure out ways on how you can improve, you are on the right track. If you devise methods to continually learn and grow, demand of yourself to become even more effective the next time around, then you have not lost at all, you have won.

What I learned is that the competition is never against anyone else. The real game is the continual challenge of expanding yourself, not just as a speaker, but as a human being from the lessons learned along the way.

It All Begins with You

My mum (bless her soul) used to say "It all begins at home". She was referring to manners. Her view was, it didn't matter if you were well-behaved at school, so long as you remained rude at home, then it all adds to zero.

As an adult, I realized that this philosophy does not merely pertain to one's conduct but in all areas of life. For example, when friends of mine are distressed, I find myself giving them advice on taking it easy, not taking things so seriously or personally. But when I, myself am stressed, I am challenged to heed my own counseling.

Understanding something intellectually, and applying it consistently in your own life can be two polar extremes. For example, I've been a student of meditation for a number of years. What meditation essentially teaches you is to be a witness to your thoughts. We all have thoughts, darting in and out of our conscious minds. The science (or should I say the art) of meditation is where you train yourself to be a passive observer of these thoughts, rather than engaging in them.

So the idea is to instill that practice into your everyday life, not just when you are on the cushion, so to speak. How is this useful? To me, it can prove to be useful in any situation, especially in relating to other people. We all have triggers or hot-buttons that when pressed, send us on an emotional tail-spin, for example, feeling our blood boil and the instinct to react. Meditation builds self-awareness so you can "see" these emotions as they are occurring and the physical manifestations in your body that equates to these feelings. e.g. shortness of breath, heart-beating faster. When you can "see" this happening, it is almost like witnessing yourself in a scene that's playing in slow motion, such that you catch yourself before the automatic reaction of lashing out verbally. That is giving yourself the power to choose your reactions.

In his book "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", Stephen Covey refers to this as the gap between the stimulus and the response. In this gap, you are able to choose your response. Eckhart Tolle, author of "The Power of the Now" refers to it as "being present". I have known these as mere "concepts" for quite some time, but it wasn't until recently that I started deploying them in my life on a regular basis. For example, I have this pet-peeve of people yawning when I am talking to them. It solicits an automatic reaction in me that makes my blood boil. Somewhere in my past, I made up that it is rude to yawn while in conversation with someone, because it indicates that you are either bored, disinterested or worse, apathetic, in which case I am wasting my time with you. So now when that happens, I put the meditative process into practice (not always successfully I might add :-) I will see someone yawn, I will say to myself in my head "OK, I feel my blood boiling. It does not mean anything. Take deep breaths, keep breathing, keep breathing, calm down." I will repeat this matra in my head over and over until I feel calm.

This process teaches me to be humble in my judgement of other people's reactions. For example, if someone lashes out verbally and I perceive it as being ill-conceived or unnecessary, before I summon them to eternal damnation in my corner of the world, I stop and ask myself, "Am I always successful in applying the meditative technique to my own responses?" The answer is invariably "No" and once again I am forced to reliquish to my late mother's wise phrase, "It all begins at home". Until I, myself have truly mastered my responses, who am I to judge those who have not. And from reading text on the topic, once one has reached that stage of enlightentment, judgments are irrelevant altogether anyway.

It all begins with oneself.

Imagine... a World of Light

My vision is a world of kind, loving people. All are compassionate towards one another, and speak to each other from an empowering context, sharing and creating, rather than one of domination and self-protection.